"Wow am I feeling this one!" This year for me has come in like an avalanche and boy am I feeling it these days.I spent the last few months processing the events that have happened in these recent months,some of them very traumatic and also the last 3 years in which was the same and in this time trying to sort out what was going on feeling into things and for a time nothing was really working the way I had hoped so I made a conscious choice to move into the energetic space of the medicine wheel to heal and reveal what shadow work I need to focus on to heal and release. Scorpio is a water sign and water deals with all things emotion.Being a Scorpio myself and one who is tuned into the moon and feeling the push and pull of energy I was a little emotional coming into this moon and fell into bouts of depression and self doubt.I knew it was time to do some soul searching and introspection. On the Morning of May 13 after another whirlwind week I stood outside pondering what to do with my herd this year and how to move fence lines and I got a picture in my mind of my Stallions out with the herd.One family ,One herd "Oneness" and I was uncertain and feeling resistance to it in some small way.I had a lot invested into getting the breeding program back up with my 2 Stallions and was not thinking of gelding them at all.They are well behaved as Stallions. I saw this picture in my mind again and could not stop thinking about it. That same morning a friend came by for coffee with a guest and we spent some time going out to see the horses. I was reluctant to let people here at this time because I was in a more vulnerable state but decided to trust it and so we visited the horses and I just said out loud I was thinking of gelding my stallions in a couple years so as we talked about it I began to feel into that thread...The next day on the 15 I felt the presence of my Stallion Artistry who has passed to the realms of Spirit and his son Spirit who has recently left us.The 15 of May was also Artistry's birthday. I was paying attention now ,tonight the Scorpio full moon ..the moon has weaved her magic into me transforming a lot of shadow and ancestral healing from darkness into light.I am letting a good thing die to allow for something more aligned to who I have now become come in for me. I have had a number of guides and signs along this path and there is no coincidences..3 visits from a Raven,one from our pet Crow Balthazar and number and pattern sequences,synchronicities and mental "Knowings"and more.When our colt Spirit suddenly was injured in a terrible accident only weeks ago and we had to put him down I pulled a card that told me to follow the tracks of Spirit..That message was loud and clear as Spirits full name is Silver Mist Spirit Tracks. He has been present in all of this and I feel as though he brought closure to a journey I have been on for a very long time and also opened door to something new. I was also shown by Echo and Dandy members of their herd before they joined us and reminded of parts of myself I had forgotten for a while ,reminded me what is important. I have learned from my herd what it really means to be connected to ones self,to the earth and to others around us ,how to walk in beauty and heal myself. We have experienced life together as I have had foals nearly born into my arms and enjoyed a close and personal relationship to them and we have shared the pain and suffering of death.As horses have died in my arms also.We have grieved together and healed together.Like all family things ebb and flow and relationships are always shifting.In all of this as I felt into this thread ..one of a million possibilities for us it felt right to me and for the first time in months I felt a lightness and peace. I have now decided to breed 4 more foals for us and then to geld my stallions reinventing my farm to something new yet again.I was a bit sad at first but now look forward to the new chapters I will write for us all next in co creation with the herd,My family the farm and myself. I feel a sort of Magic in the air and though nothing has changed at all externally as of yet ,everything internally has changed for me my herd has changed the shape of me and I will now recreate things to move more energy into the path of healing with Riding the Spiral Path and the Silver Mist Morgans that will accompany me on the outward Spiral of this creation. I wanted to include the story of the story of Christopher Wren, a great English architect as it feels relevant today and reminds me every step counts as I build my own dreams. One day he walked unrecognized among the men who were at work upon the building of St. Paul's cathedral in London which he had designed. "What are you doing?" he inquired of one of the workmen, and the man replied, "I am cutting a piece of stone." As he went on he put the same question to another man, and the man replied, "I am earning five shillings twopence a day." And to a third man he addressed the same inquiry and the man answered, "I am helping Sir Christopher Wren build a beautiful cathedral." That man had vision. He could see beyond the cutting of the stone, beyond the earning of his daily wage, to the creation of a great work—the building of a cathedral. What will you allow to heal within yourself during this moons energy ? Where can you let the dead leaves fall in your life,What has served its purpose as it was for someone you used to be?
What stones will you lay in the foundation of the Cathedral you build?
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Thursday February 21 was almost became my third worst day. This was the day I almost lost Silver Mist Namaste. A colt I bred and witnessed being born into this world.I was the first face he saw when the sack broke open and have been with him every single day since. He is not yet 4 years old and I confess I have much hope in this Baby. As breeders we tend to invest much more than money into our herds and having already lost his sire only a year ago to a tragic accident It hit me very hard. Currently in our area we are experiencing some of the coldest most extreme weather we have had in this area for 83 years.The temperatures are well into the low -35C to -43 C windchill range We have had blowing snow and lots of it in recent weeks.While extreme cold like this does happen now and then for shorter periods of time,I have never seen the prolonged temperatures at this level of extremes for such an extended period of time.This was a major contributing factor to what I would experience that day. Something no horse owner never wants to see... That Thursday I arrived home having been gone all day to a horse down in the field.He was soaking wet ,presumably from rolling and frozen ,so frozen he was hypothermic and when I finally got to him he was giving up. I saw him saying goodbye to pasture mates Dandy and Apollo who he has been with almost his whole life since he was born .My heart sank.I jumped that fence so fast and what came next all bled together. I saw how bad he was doing and told him to hang on. He barely responded but turned his ear to me.I then ran into the house and got every quilt I could find,even the ones off the beds and threw them over the fence.I then covered him and laid on him,rubbing him dry and trying and get him warm.He could not get up and was barely responsive.The light was leaving his eyes :( You can't just move a 1500 lb animal.I cried ,got angry and ran the gaunlet of emotion on this.Although I am a first responder and usually am really calm in emergencies.This one cracked me open and every emotion came out.It felt so hopeless and I was so cold.I talked to him and kept telling him not to give up.My voice seemed to call him back slowly so I kept talking to him and stroking his head I layed there for 5 hours with him in these extreme temperatures until help came. Mark arrived and we made him get up.We don't have or barn up yet and wind breaks and wind shelters weren't going to cut it here.I called a neighbour to help but we ended up putting him in a green house with a large orange insulated tarp over the door to keep the heat in and drying him off with a propane heater and blankets.He slowly came back. This was a lot to ask of a sick and totally disorientated horse but it was an emergency and we did whatever we could do in the dark and freezing temps to save him.I knew we had to treat this first .If he survived this then I need my vet. We managed after a very long and emotionally draining night to save him from hypothermia and I had 2 horse blankets in the basement for such emergencies and we wrapped him up.It was all hands on Deck as Mark and I ,our neighbour and our kids did everything to get him back.That was the first hurdle. I was already drained but it was no time to rest now. We did what we could that night and the vet came out first thing the next morning.Mark was at work and so I was here alone again.He managed to roll under the Equibraid fence and was with Dandy(our other stallion) and his half brother Apollo,they kept him moving for me all night,so this may have helped us out too.The gate on that pasture was snowed in and iced shut.there was no time to dig out just then so we treated him in the field. I suspected Colic was the cause and was worried as any horse owner knows this is not good.Vet determined he had an impaction in his large intestine.Colic was just a symptom but I was lucky to catch it fairly early on.He had been rolling and it was because he got so wet in such terribly cold wind chill conditions that he ended up with hypothermia.We were switching horse blankets out from the dryer hourly to keep him as warm and dry as possible. The vet tubed him and within a half hour he was a little perkier for a while after that but we knew it would be needed again. For those who don't know this involves sedating the horse to insert surgical tubing through the nose,through the esophagas and straight into the stomach. They give the horse 5-10 litres of water/electrolyte to hydrate and the Epsom salts to act as a mild laxative.This is a life threatening condition in horses if not treated and caught early.I have raised horses for 12 years and have never had a case of colic ,never mind impaction.I am knowledgeable on it but not prepared to go there.I know I have been lucky with these horses and that others have been through this.Some multiple times.It is an awful experience.I have the greatest of compassion for all those who experience these things. From that morning we have have been working to keep him hydrated .At first every half hour,then every hour we used a syringe to get the electrolyte ,water and epsom salts solution into him as much as we could get.In this cold has been no easy task,although he was a doll and was cooperative I was freezing and was coming in only to change out gloves,coats,socks and boots and going straight back out.The water dripped down my arms into my sleeves and I could not wear gloves because I could not depress the syringe with them on.On Sunday we tubed him again and My vet has been helping us and following up with us every step of the way.I am so grateful to have such and amazing team to work with and feel blessed to have them for support. Part of his treatment is also to walk him regularly and keep him moving.We have been spending a lot of time with him ,taking him for walks down the gravel roads and for play dates with his brothers and Dandy.He has improved a lot and it has been a difficult and draining week and a day.He is still not drinking any water so though he is now back on feed (We withheld food for 3-4 days as per vet recommendation) He is eating a very soupy soaked alfalfa mixture.I am soaking cubes all day for him and carrying 5 gallon pails through many feet of snow across the yard to the sheltered area he is now in.This is a difficult task on top of regular chores and I have to constantly monitor feed and manure production or lack there of..So far recovery is slow but fairly steady.A day ago he was graduating to soaked hay but during another very cold night he stopped producing normal manure so hes back on just mash.He is frustrated and wants hay but until he drinks water will be living on mushy alfalfa.My vet believes he will drink when its warmer and advised me to monitor him for dehydration and watch the maure.He is also eating a lot of snow.Its what he wants to do.. So we are letting him.The vet explained to me that many horses do not want to drink when it is so cold.They want to eat but not drink.This is seemingly the case here.He has access to water all the time but was not drinking :( This prolonged weather contributed to this condition.All the other horses are fine.Even my senior gal..his Dam is fine. We are still not totally out of the woods here.Every few hours I check manure ,hand walk or do groundwork to keep him moving.I play with him at liberty and he loves the work.I feed him alfalfa mush and tell him to please drink water.He does not drink.Sometimes I just pat him and talk to him.I still work and do all my other chores,clean my house as best I can and now after a week of feeling like I am climbing mount everest every single day I can take a little rest. Rest to restore what I can of myself because I know that if there is nothing left in me I cannot give to him.I was there yesterday.I hope this is the summit of this mountain .I am strong and have been through and survived many terrible things in my lifetime.The last 3 years have stretched me beyond the limits of anything I ever thought I could handle.I have been asked to overcome and pass through many traumatic things and find somewhere inside myself to still feel happiness and peace.This has taken all I have but by the grace of the Great Spirit I will be ok and Aremis is still here. That day I felt like I danced with death and bargined for Aremis to live. I also had to find the place inside of me to let him go and be able to accept that if this was the outcome but I also fought very hard to save him because I knew if I gave up I would never be able to live with myself unless I did everything to help.It was very hard to find that place inside me .Especially for this colt I have placed all of my hopes and dreams in.I knew what it would mean for me if I lost him that night and how painful but I had to find that place where I could except whatever outcome came .I Struggled hard between giving up because he was, and falling apart to finding grit and an indomitable spirit so deep inside me that I did not even know I had,to give me courage and perseverance to keep going.It was surely one of the hardest weeks of my life.this is where the rubber hit the road and I had to put the Master within myself behind the wheel or I would not have made it and perhaps neither would Aremis have . Greif is the price of love but I would not change it.I would not stop loving or close my heart because of great loss.I decided that some time ago.So far in 2019 alone I buried my father in late January in this cold..but that is another long and crazy and complicated adventure because that is my life, but also
I have had some magical moments in all of this..My voice seemingly calling Aremis back from the brink of Death ...A bond that is deepened by saving a life and being saved. During our walks and playing at the motor cross track to exercise him seeing how soft and lovely he is and knowing that raising him helped him to be such a pleasure to be with.He is a 3 year old Stallion..he never pulls or jerks on the the lead he never shoves or pushes.he is quiet and respectful and he is trusting of me beyond measure. I saw some raw talent in Mark working the horses ..he's never shown much interest before this except to trim feet and usually only rides when I have one ready to go,promptly passing them back to me when he is done. In this I saw my stallion open something up in him.I saw him finding the magic I feel with the horses and he came back telling me what I already knew he would say.."I love him..hes my horse now"..haha Aremis worked some Magic on Mark that day I have not seen in him before,He is a diamond in the rough Mark.I have never seen him so soft with them and he does it all his style..but Aremis listened and followed and understood what was asked without question or confusion.He was relaxed and willing and soft.I am grateful for Marks help. I realized that years of trying to be the kind of so called "good" horsewoman others thought I should be was not for me.I already learned that but this moment hit it home that much harder.I just need to keep training from the heart.. no rules or "supposed to" ..no agendas,go slow and feel my way as I had most of my life.I will never win a ribbon or be the traditional rider/trainer because I was born to do what has not been done before..except by kids in pastures who just play and climb on and go..this works best for me.I have never had trouble bonding with this herd I just have to trust I can . I can do whatever I want to do not because I know everything because I surely do not,not because I am some great rider but because we love and trust each other,because we have a relationship and mutual respect,clear boundaries and an unbreakable bond of love and mutual respect.This experience revealed how well my horses learned what I have taught them and shows me I am a good and fair leader and worthy of them on all levels..This is how I do what I do..So when someone asks me how I train the truth is..I don't know,I just do.I am in flow and go by feel..straight from my heart.I just do it.This is what mark was doing too..I saw if we worked together..him to start the work and me to refine we could make even better horses.I extended that invitation to Mark but who knows if he will take it.Yes,I learned traditional way..they don't work for me in the way I want them to.What works for me best is to come as I am and to be a kid at play..Just me and my friends.This is how id do it..from a place where it all just flows from the heart and this is how I keep going when things are hard. Aremis is my miracle and one of the greatest gifts I have ever received in this life. <3 I hope we make it over this mountain but if for some reason I lost him now I will cherish every second we have from that day.More than before.Because that day I was reminded of the most important things life has to offer.That day I remembered how valuable those we love really are and never to forget.I learned that all I need to do is keep in flow and trust the path one breath at a time and even if I fall I will be ok..The great spirit will hold me when I can no longer hold myself.I had an amazing team ..my family,my herd,my dogs who are the best cuddlers and my vet and his team..friends although they never quite got here to help.I appreciated the support from where they were and to all who wished me well on this journey.I learned years ago we should share these experiences because we never know who need to read or hear.So I share this story.I don't know why but there is something buried inside me that whenever allows me to give up.I don't know where it is buried but it comes to the forefront when I need it .A warrior that lives within.I am grateful to her and hope somehow I will find the way to turn all the darkness I have endured into light. I don't know the end of my story because it is till being written and I still have a whole lot to process but I am cherishing whatever I get with this very ,very special horse <3 Here is hoping I will some how get a lifetime and If |I do not I will dig deep to get busy living again somehow.Hanging on to the magic we are currently creating with him..like a golden thread leading me from a labrynth |I have been wandering for far too long :( So everyday now I pray I get to keep Silver Mist Namaste. Everyday I live in the moment and keep hanging on ,doing what needs to be done no matter how difficult,everyday life finds a way to go on. I know in the weeks to come As process and things work out whatever way they will .I will see more of the why and have a better understanding of what I am passing through now.In the mean time I will keep breathing ,I will tend to my self and the garden of my own soul so I can keep going.I will do much needed self care to restore me for whatever is ahead,I will care for my herd and create more magical moments with Aremis and and see what happens. I will be on that line between life and death because I always seem to walk between the worlds..I am also a Scorpio and a Dragon (Known as double dragon)as far as Astrology goes..although I dont'hold too much stock in it I do know Scorpio represents life and death,2 things I have seen so much of and felt so much of.I guess I have always danced that line almost all my life.I deeply understand both and have witnessed both more than a few times.We are very familiar.I do not fear death for myself at all but It is never easy to be left behind by those we love.I just try to live for them and take the magic they left behind with me to help me keep going.One day I hope a very ,very long time from now I will meet Death as an old friend.I will leave this world at peace with that but I know it it not yet my time and I know that well,even when I have wanted it to be.I know I must find a way and so I will.Whatever it takes and I hope That Aremis will make a brilliant comeback as a phoenix rising from the ashes..the symbol of my double dragon sign and that it will give me what I need to rise from the ashes that I have in recent years found myself in.Hopefully soon I will find my time to shine and all this hardship will be worth it. But just for here and now Stay calm,meditate,Practice yoga and Martial arts to keep my center.Live in every moment and go with the flow of whatever shows up for me.Love my family ,friends and horses.In the end I will be transformed again as we all do when we pass through such things.Any ones guess who I will become on the other side of this but when we dance with death it changes us.We just have to decide what we will do with what is given to us. I wanted to write in December at the close of the 2018 year but it seemed for me that there were so many pieces coming in at once ,I could not form thoughts fast enough to get things written out everything was shifting so quickly.It was rapid fire succession.Many things changed in 2018 including me, as is to be expected with time and circumstances of life and our worlds inner and outer. Last January I felt the energy of coming into "Balance" Over the course of 2018 my understanding of balance has changed a great deal. I used to think Balance was Equilibrium in all things like a balanced scale but it Ebbs and flows I see and feel it differently now.It's like the Ocean. It is a constant but gentle push and pull of energy.If we do not move we stagnate and we are energy and energy must flow.It is the Yin and the Yang embodied. Someone recently confirmed this for me as well,which inspired this post. She told me of someone who taught her the idea that Balance is like a symphony. If notes of Music were played all at the same time it would be monotone and chaotic.That it is because the notes are played in their time and in their own space that it creates Music.And that Music has to flow.She is also a health and wellness coach and a yoga teacher.I told her I felt similar and we shared our experiences,it kind of clicked more for us both.we felt confirmation. I came away feeling more and more that in order for true balance to happen for us in our own lives we must train ourselves to find the balance within. All the secrets of the universe are in us. The Magic is in the flow.Not just in Yoga but all things although this quote beautifully states how we may find this within ourselves. Rumi, a Poet from the ancient world once wrote... " Above all else protect the heart for all else flows from it." Last year, I saw the film The little prince. I remembered it from when I was a child.So I wanted to watch it. It was a wonderfully inspired film. <3 I loved it and in that film was a quote " It is only with the heart we can see rightly all else is hidden from the eye." Live from the heart,It is also where balance flows unrestricted. The energy around us and within us is constantly shifting from our own experiences and from society and the world around us as a whole. To be balanced to me is no longer having our "acts together" as I used to feel. It now feels much more like we are in the ebb and flow of the ocean. We remain at peace within no matter which part of the wave we are on. We flow because we are energy. If we become unbalanced we are aware and bring ourselves back again and again and again as many times as we need to.I feel that life spirals in and out but now I know it also must flow unrestricted in order to thrive and so must we. Coming into 2019 I feel the energy of "Reinvention"
I feel that reinventing ourselves as both the student and the master will serve us well in the coming unfolding of the year ahead no matter what our journey brings in for us to experience.I don't feel it is to throw our previous selves away but to embody the lessons and integrate that wisdom. Bringing what we still love and what still works,leaving all else behind evolving and allowing ourselves to flow and find balance, over and over returning as the world around us shifts beneath our feet.And adding things that are coming in for us shaping us into truer more real versions of ourselves as slowly ,slowly we become the masters of ourselves... Know thyself and know God. I don't know what will happen in 2019 and I know there will always be challenges but now I have the ability to stay in flow more consistently and can bring myself back in whenever I fall out.Sometimes it takes effort but I am building self discipline to ensure I can stay there as much as possible. Over the last couple weeks I had a few things happen..One of our cats stepped on my computer and opened something.It was a video I had made as part of my healing process when my stallion died suddenly and tragically last November.A video to help me say goodbye and to celebrate his life. I almost closed it then decided to listen and watch it again. I have changed a lot since this happened and he is the reason for Riding the Spiral Path,the reason I embodied Wonder Woman as an Archetype for my own personal power though she had made previous appearances for me. I had an intuitive hit just the other day and felt him with me. I heard the words.."Now take the love you have for me and give it to yourself" Today while feeding the horses I went to sit where he is buried and sat there for a while.I am very different than who I was just one year ago. I learned my truest nature ..to be like water. To remember and flow without restriction. I followed many clues and had helpers and guides in nature and soon Elen of the ways appeared and now I stand here ready to reinvent myself and my life in this place of Balance and flow from my heart.In my own expression. Although we can experience reinvention of self this will likely present on grander scales as well.Much of the world has shown it needs to shift and change as old paradigms and systems break down. We are reinventing ourselves our communities our societies and our world. What kind of world do you want to live in? Ask this of yourself and be in flow in your own life and within your own selves.Reinvent life as best you can in your own way and you may find the universe will meet you half way. Stay in your heart and find light even in dark places.. as I have learned to do, become a light unto yourself in dark times. I believe the truth really is within,I believe in living from the heart and staying in flow of your truth.Being real and raw and humble and doing humble things with mindfulness and great care. To me there is a reason monks often do manual labor .It is here in those humble places we find great truth revealed to us from the Master within. I believe in magic..all kinds and in the power of play and laughter.I believe the secrets are hidden in plain sight, in life,in music,art,dance and stories of all kinds.There is knowledge there I also believe I know what Road Dahl really meant when he said "Those who do not believe in Magic will never find it" ;) and that all of this can be seen,heard and felt when we are tuned in and ready to hear it.I feel there is magic in the process of creation itself,because we are in flow .It is my hope that as we reinvent ourselves and our world begins to take on new shapes we may all be in flow and harmony within ourselves. May we all take more conscious steps on our life's journey, may we have more connection and more compassion. May we all find our true natures and embody what we are most passionate about wishing you all a Happy,transformative ,prosperous and fun 2019 Coming into November I had a dream.This dream really stood out for me.I am a dreamer and at times I get Spiritual guidance through my dreams as well as other sources.This was a "Big" dream as they have been called.Not the regular kind that may or may not make sense or the kind we barely recall.This was a very in your face vivid dream and it stayed with me long after I was awake spilling out into the physical world around me as images and themes around it had suddenly and consistently appeared. In this dream a friends white Stallion appeared.I saw his face looking out ahead of him then he turned to me and when I saw his eyes meet mine.I heard first his name then he spoke to me saying "Follow me".So I did .. We were suddenly in the streets of Mexico during Dia de los Muertos.Now I have never really paid much mind to that festival although aware of it.I had never before been drawn to it at all and am not Mexican though my brother in law is.. had no ties to it and yet here in this dream we walked among the people.Millions of them celebrating and honoring their beloved ancestors.As we walked despite the crowded streets people seemed to part the way as though we had a sort of bubble around us.I was also dressed as they were in the dream,dressed for the day of the dead.Coast the horse in question impressed upon me the importance of connecting to ancestors now. As I awoke it was heavily on my mind and I had even had some discussion on it with my friend whos horse delivered this message. I felt strongly I needed to participate in this and at times during inspiration I am inspired to create around what I am inspired on or what the current energy is.Being and Artist,Costume designer,Photographer,writer ect I feel it helps to anchor that energy and integrate it when I take action to create around whatever is coming in.Sometimes I share and sometimes it is just for me.I decided to share around this because we are Moving into November..Month of Scorpio and representing cycles of Life,Death and Rebirth.It is also my birth month and I have a very strong connection to these cycles and a very deep understanding of the processes and how to move through them.I am a water sign and we tend to be ruled by emotion and are greatly affected by phases of the moon,and planetary shifts.This month we have Venus and Scorpio at the forefront of the planetary shifts,We are in an 11 mastery year according to numerology as well as this being a month of many powerful energy portals and is an 11 month with an 11/11 portal in an 11 master year.I am a master number life path as well..33/6 Life path of self Mastery.This Month like the rest of this year likely to shake things up and rock your personal world and the greater collective as we are peaking in all that is happening globally. We have been letting parts of ourselves die all year that do not serve us and though this is on going it seems that this year..Part of this mastery is that the universe is sort of putting much more pressure on us around it allowing us opportunity to recognize and release ..to die and then be reborn into a better and more aligned and more masterful version of ourselves. Connection to ancestors is part of an ancient path that in the modern world we rarely honor or practice if at all,(although there are exceptions )I think particularly those of us who feel less connection to their biological families as many of us are here to break old ancestral patterns that are extremely distorted..patterns around abuse,loss of power,addictions and more.This can make us feel so very alone because we are often the black sheep.Don't fit in to the collective and have to find first who we are often through many painful emotional transformations then step into ourselves and eventually find our place and our soul tribe of more like minded souls.At least this is how it has been for me in my own experiences.There has been many deaths and rebirths along the way..in my own personal readings I am currently getting a lot around rising from the dead..invoking the phoenix medicine all of us experience and that Scorpios seem to embody.Connection to ancestors is new for me and I created a small ceremony of my own design based on what I felt to honor mine.I had to trust that even if I do not feel much around it it is doing something and that it should be a part of this rebirth as it is of the old ways,old paths of honoring all of creation and connecting to that.To do so with trust and the understanding of why it is important and that even if I do not know why it is coming in for me on a deeper level just yet.I researched Dia de los Muertos the day of the dead and found I really liked what it represents and they why..It also reminded me of my experiences in buddhist traditions around honoring the dead and made sense I should integrate this for my own path.I am trusting that though I feel no close ties from this life that there is something greater at work and as I ride out this powerful month with the rest of the world I will trust they are behind me as my horses are and my guides.Trusting the path before me even though we are all in the heart of the great mystery now.Trusting that it will come out better than any of us can imagine and following the guidance we receive along the way may be of even greater importance than ever before.The outside world seems so volatile and hopeless but with my inner centered and heart led way of being,my willingness to follow flow and trust and integrate the wisdom I am receiving and growing into my own mastery and self awareness I can navigate the darkness of the void and be reborn again into the light.I have learned a lot about jumping into the darkness of the unknown and trusting it over the years.It is never easy but Love shines brightest in the dark and so by living always from our hearts with great compassion and connection to all life including our Earth and of course remembering to extend that to ourselves we can transmute all darkness into light as it is through transitions that we find true mastery and growth. I also integrated connection to animals as part of my own personal path as they play such a massive role in my own path as gides and since I have lost so many over the years and have been transformed through both their lives with me and their deaths.During my oct 31-nov3 remembering though we also have Remembrance day coming so this honoring of the dead could really extend to all of November But beginning on Oct 31 as the old Samhien (Sa-ween ) celtic traditions celebrated before being lost to current halloween celebrations.By doing some kind of connecting ,no matter how small we add another level to our personal Mastery and connections to all things.Start small,Plant a seed ,let it grow through guided heart led living.
We have just passed a pretty powerful full moon in Taurus and I would wager to guess most of you felt at least something...I sure did. The last few months and weeks in particular have been shifting rapidly and I have been trying to piece it all together.Trying to see the threads that are unfolding. I have to say it all is very interesting..At the start of this blog,from the first posts I began with a theme around balance and moved in progression towards completing a cycle just in what seems I have brought in as writing.I wrote about coming into balance and have felt this theme as on going this year both on a personal level and as a witness to world events and in my recent experiences. The patriarchy of the world is shifting.. We are on the edge of change but balance is needed as we do not want to push it too far the other way .Thus creating a new kind of imbalance which ultimately will evolve into a opposite aspect of the same pattern.This is a delicate thing which also makes my experiences more interesting. The Animal kingdom often shows up for me and lately they have had an awful lot to say. I was having coffee with a friend for reason of which is it's own blog but on that day while we visited her horses we both felt a lot going on energetically coming into this full moon and both felt energy of cycles,death/rebirth and more.. during that time 2 of her cows had freed themselves and went on a little walk about and we put one back only a while later the second had come out along with the first one..I felt there may be something in that. We then saw 3 deer,later hearing crow and seeing a raven,keeper of the council and magic respectively as though in support of things.The Animal kingdom seemed intent on getting some attention. I later looked up cow out of curiosity as I knew they represented abundance but they also represent they symbolize wealth, prosperity,fertility and spiritual connection to all of creation and creation through consistency, Motherhood,healing the mother/child relationships in particular but also all relationships including our relationship to ourselves and the Earth,unconditional love and are a strong yin energy. Symbol of divine feminine energy and power,death and rebirth- -Artist Janet Hilty 3 deer..well deer I know is all about gentleness.Deer medicine can transmute darkness by doing so gently and softly.Deer is a master of being both strong and soft .As is Cow and our next surprise guest.Deer teaches trusting intuition and our connection to all things,deer teaches us how to move through obstacles with ease and grace.she teaches us to adapt quickly and to be in touch with the mysteries of life.She teaches to live from the heart.She is also a strong symbol of the divine feminine and brings healing through great compassion.There are some stories I know of Deer defeating darkness with gentleness and compassion. Another spirit I have to say I am very much surprised to connect to at all and yet she is the most fascinating of the 3 ..the stories of her spirit lessons and symbolism and numerous and expansive all over the earth in every culture..and yet we often fear her.Spinner of the web of creation.Representing creation itself ...So I have to confess I made friend with a Spider. She is a female Cat faced Orb weaver Spider ..quite large and rather intimidating to look at but harmless and unlikely to bother you.So I let her stay and she has spun a web in my bathroom light of all places.I call her Indra after Indra's web or Indra's net of jewels,or web of creation. I have been thinking about her and wondering about her so I researched Spider medicine and see what a neat thing for her to be here. She showed up this summer but I did not think too much on it until now since we usually have a few kicking around outside and by a few I mean a lot. This one seems to want me to pay attention though so I am doing my best to listen.Spiders Medicines also represents infinity ,The limitless .Spiders build what is equally practical and beautiful,they have 8 eyes,8 legs and represent cycles,the passage of time evolution and the 8 fold path/the middle way, yin and yang,symmetry and perfect balance,death and rebirth and the completion of the circle. The web is also a sacred spiral. Spider teaches Conscious choice.That every choice we make now is weaving what we do in the future.She is keeper of the written word and language and is often guide to magical,inspiring writing and creativity.Spider teaches us to be sensitive to our environment and align ourselves with the rhythm of nature 3 of the Animal kingdom representing 3 strong feminine energies,3 symbolizing life and rebirth,cycles and power of creation..powerfully divine feminine ..things that make you go hmmmmm.. This all spoke a lot to me about the current world and what we will all do right now to contribute to the tapestry of creation. I am currently practicing being witness to life without always wanting to fix or change or help..giving up the ideas of perfection and not trying to push the river..simply to be,just witnessing things as they happen and see where things flow,letting go of judgements as best I can and taking inspired action when it required but otherwise allowing the flow of life to carry me.Letting things play out ..doing without doing. It may not always be easy and most certainly not what we expect or even what we think we want.We may suffer but it is not without rhyme or reason as we often feel.When I see what I have passed through I still see purpose in it all even though it was hard.At the completion of the cycles balance can be achieved. Balance can come at anytime but when we complete a cycle we are really embodying the lessons of that cycle through life experiences and the passage of time,simply by being a part of that experience. making it all a part of who we are.Really integrating the cycle. And as this theme of coming into balance plays out through the last portion of 2018 and coming into 2019 the year of the pig..also representing prosperity It is with a curious heart of an explorer and observation and stillness and yin energy of the divine feminine that has shown up for me that I will witness the remainder of this year.it is my guess as good as any ones right now what is going on but I feel something and I am willing to witness it and see what happens. Soul signs..What are they?
Well I learned about them several years ago as I began my journey into studying Shamanic culture and spiritual work. I liken them to a bread crumb trail we as souls or the higher self have chosen for ourselves to help us to know if we are on our most aligned path. Kind of like a thumbs up from the universe as if to say "yes,you are doing great! ,Keep going" I don't see them every single day but I do see them often these days and if I ask one usually shows up..When I do see it I am sure to thank the powers that be for it. At times it may be just confirmation that I am doing great at other times a comfort to feel that I am doing ok even though everything seems out of my control. For me Soul Signs really came into my awareness with buying and moving into this farm we currently live at.Our first day I kept finding heart shaped rocks everywhere but did not yet know what it meant or that it was anything at all until I began to study with a shaman..I later learned of soul signs and the hearts became of grealy significant to me.I see them all over.Although they are often rocks they also show up other places such as a sign with hearts that calls me to pay attention.A kid with a heart on its shirt a piece of heart shaped dirt or a scrap of paper in a heart shape,heart shaped food and plants,I see them in trees..clouds a spill in the shape of a heart or watermarks ect...kind of all over and I always know it's for me because I am not usually looking or waiting..They just kind of show up at random and I notice and i say "Thank you" and more come. To me it tells me I am aligned on my path even when I don't really know what is happening and allows me to let go and trust the journey more. Do you have a Soul sign? I say yes ,you do..As to what it is you will have to decide for yourself.They are all around us and it is up to us to notice. Sometimes I get messages from birds or other things as well but Soul Signs feel different.The messages from nature and animals ect feel like things I need to be aware of or some kind of guidance for that moment but Soul Signs feel more like a personal bread crumb trail I can follow to the highest path. It helps me to remember we are never alone no matter how lonely the roads we walk may sometimes feel. To find your own Soul Sign try to be aware of what you see as far as symbols..is there one that comes up more than all others,one that stands out that you resonate clearly with? Some people have an animal or a bug like a dragonfly,butterfly or ladybug..I get those too but for me they are messages.You can also ask for one or ask to know what it is then be open and listen. My Soul sign is a Heart..I don't know why it is and I have given up trying to find the why and simply be glad when I see them. Yours could be anything and they are different from guides..they may be small or large but I feel they are all around waiting for us to notice them..The universe really is supporting us and it is easy to remember when all is well but it is in our darkest times we need it most and also often when we have the most trouble seeing them.So train yourself to be aware..Notice what is showing up for you and how often.Looks for patterns and see what is revealed for you and when you discover your Soul Sign you can follow it like I follow mine. It's not perfect and I still face doubt and fear at times as well but when I see hearts I feel a little better knowing that I am doing all right and everything is going to be fine <3 My life has certainly Not been easy up to this point.Literally since the day I was born I had many challenges to overcome.I was in and out of hospitals as a child ,suffered clinical depression and anxiety as a teen and did not fit into main stream society's box.In more recent years had Thyroid cancer and faced and continue to face challenges in relation to that..After my son was born 15 years ago I suffered incredible and unexplained vertigo and other symptoms as well as the fact I can no longer regulate my body temperature and weight.I had never struggled with my body until then always being so thin but now despite working out regularly and eating pretty well I find challenges.I rely on synthetic hormones to run my body without which I would not live.It has been a major adjustment and I had to work through all of my self worth issues. It was not easy but I refuse to be a victim. 2 years ago My partner was in a major crash.Someone rear ended him and he almost lost his life and all that came with that was incredible and terrible all at once.I had family do some pretty horrible things during that time and suffered major betrayals as well as the other stresses that come along with that. I did also have some incredible supports which I am still so very grateful for. I really learned during that time to be very ,very present as I could only go one moment at a time. As he was recovering we lost 2 of our dogs.One to old age one to a car we think and then in November 2017 I lost my heart horse in a tragic pasture accident.This finally brought me to my knees and I literally felt like my heart had torn in half.I was in more emotional pain than I had ever felt in my life.I had finally broken.I was angry at the universe,God and everything else.I mourned him for a very long time and still feel moments of sadness. Just before that happened I made my son a Captain America shield for fun because I always wanted to try to make one.Then I made a Wonder Woman Shield for myself. After Artistry died I channeled my grief into creative projects to keep my mind off his death and all else I have passed through.It led to the creation of the entire Wonder Woman suit. Somewhere along the way of the past 3 years I sort of adopted her..She became my personal power symbol/Archetype I have others as well who help me draw strength but for some reason this is what came forward at that time.So I spent months building each piece one by one.Every time I finished one I felt a little stronger.it was like I was collecting my power a little at a time and gathering it to me.When it was done I tried it on and I quickly realized why Kids love dress up and why cosplayers love what they do. I felt powerful..For the first time It may seem silly just to dress up..It may seem like you are faking or trying to be someone else to someone on the outside but really it is more like wearing your power ,Like stepping back into it.It is more like shapeshifting and drawing all your strength back into yourself and feeling it. I decided to try a photo shoot with the horses and it was a very powerful experience.I felt like a warrior. It felt very natural and real and I will draw on these images in times when I feel weak.I will draw on that feeling of what it feels like to "be" Wonder Woman I feel that this is such a great way for us to empower ourselves.All of us face some kind of challenges.They may be similar or very different but we all have some.We don't get to choose what happens to us but we get to choose how we respond or react to it.I choose to respond..rather than react to life. I choose to empower myself. I spent some of my younger years feeling sorry for myself because I faced so much,I felt small and worthless and did not see any value in myself.I found comfort with animals and nature which allowed me connections that helped me to grow and feel strong more and more as each day passes.Until finally I have reached a place of love and acceptance for myself I never felt was possible. Horses and other animals taught me how to connect to spirit ,the earth and to myself. .Holding up the mirror so I could see myself more clearly. I realized I had choice and I found drawing on powerful Archetypes made me feel my own power and helped me to overcome my own darkness. Although most people will not build and wear a super hero suit..though some may ( I recommend it ) We can all draw from powerful symbols and Archetypes to help us find inner strength.We can work from within and empower ourselves. When I feel weakness,fear or doubt I can call upon My own Archetypes and wear them energetically for a while.Giving myself all the strength I need until I can stand on my own again.Shapeshifting into a powerful warrior.I can do this in my mind calling them in when I need them and you can do this too. What makes you feel powerful? What gives you strength in darkest times? Don't focus on the darkness.If you do that you give your power away, you feed it and make it stronger and that gives it power over you.Sometimes our power seems to be stolen but we can call it back.Focus on what makes you feel strong and call all of your power back.In this way we can transmute it Darkness into light. Use your greatest challenges as fuel to find your greatest strengths. Find your own personal power symbol . Whatever is unique to you and slip it on as needed.Wear your own power like armor,remember you can get through anything and that you can empower yourself.If you have low self worth the world will not be quick to raise your price.This is an inside job.I am usually self conscious to post photos and don't really like being in pictures and am usually taking them but I am practicing courage.I have recently realized I am very brave so I will be brave enough now to share my stories and share of myself.If I help one person to find strength and courage in doing so then that is enough and even if no one reads this it's ok because just by sharing I am practicing courage and empowering myself even more . For the first time in a very long time I stood in my herd this week feeling totally connected to them and a part of them.I have been on quite a journey these past 9 years of getting into Morgan horses.It was really quite unintentional as I had no plans to ever breed them. I began at this property with a house and some dirt and with some very wild unhandled yearlings as projects..an old Quarter horse who had just had enough of traditional ways and a Morgan Stallion ..my first Morgan. It all turned out to be a whirlwind and it took many twists and turns.These first Equine teachers opened me to try new ways of doing things with horses.I had worked with them before but not since I was young.It came back pretty well and I began with confidence. I learned to clicker train,I began to ride in rope halters and leave bits behind as the horses showed me the way.The old Quarter horse hated the bit so I decided we did not need it...she was right and I did things differently. This worked well for us and things were moving along nicely. At some point along this journey though I began to listen to those outside I let others opinions and beliefs cloud my own and I began to question myself.I did that for a long time and went on a quest to be better according to what others consider a good horseman to be..in the process I lost and gave up parts of myself and I struggled to get them back.
Last year at the Lions gate portal I was very emotional and coming into eclipse season I confess I was feeling very unworthy of my herd and felt I was in over my head..too much to do at the farm and no time and I felt I wasn't enough. :( I had a lot to work through around that and all the things that had happened on this journey for me had acted as triggers to help me overcome this core wound from childhood.It was not easy at the time but having the right tools to work through it and the awareness to do it helped immensely. After my Stallion Artistry passed away last November I broke open and had a hard time believing it would ever get better and yet here I am just past the lionsgate portal and coming into eclipse season and I am feeling confident and sure.I no longer care what other opinions are of me and my horses.I don't do this for them.I raise them for me,for the love and passion of doing it.I don't train professionally and have no need for agendas I do it because I love it.I make a lot of mistakes,I will be learning for the rest of my life.Its a process just like healing. No matter how good we are there is always another level.So for me rusing is a moot point.No need to rush along.I have no interest in showing and competing only in quiet centered connection.I seek to master the art of being both soft and strong ,I seek to master myself.Though I use that term loosely since we never quite reach the end .I seek to lead them with a quiet yet commanding presence and find that partnership that first connected me to these amazing creature. The herd really held space for me this whole time ,while I passed my way through this journey.I ended up buying a little filly called Echo who was a catalyst to me coming home..She helped me to heal from the loss of my heart horse and held space for me to heal all my connections to myself and my herd. I am finding myself very excited to get out with them I am joyful when we play together and so far very successful as I believe I am back in alignment with them and with myself.I did alright before but being aligned to your path and purpose allows everything to flow so much more with ease and grace. My herd dynamics are always shifting as some horses move on and some stay for a lifetime.Some have been lost and there are others who have yet to come. Whether they are just passing through or here for the long haul does not matter.They are are valuable to me.They are teacher,healers,friend and I know I am in the right space ..They are talking to me now in soft knickers are we are aware of each other on a whole new level.Since my partners crash I have not ridden and I have mostly just sat with them while I heal and while I catch up on farm maintenance and projects but now as I begin the journey back to the saddle I feel much freer and more aligned than ever.I am moving and playing with them by feel and living back in my heart.I am just playing and we will see what happens.I am living organically and being like water.Soft ,flexible and following the feel of all I do.Although I still have a long road ahead to reach my goals I am in a much better place and I feel things will move more unrestricted now then they ever have.I feel like this is what I was always meant to be..Not the kind of horsewoman that others expect but something that is unique unto me and my horses. Connection and partnership is all I need to move now and I have that. I always did but I just needed to recognize the depth of what that was really worth and now I really do.Recognize the truth within yourself and see the value of it.We all have something that is unique unto ourselves. When we recognize our own value and really feel it.We can live authentically with confidence,We are fully ourselves and we can grow in true alignment to who we truly are.This is your life no one else's and you get to decide what matters. At this time I am a willow tree I am rooted but I flow.I feel best when I am with my herd and in nature and nature has noticed me back. It from this place of inner stillness I am moving on to new adventures with my herd behind me supporting this path. I have surrendered any expectation and now am open to wherever it takes me. A few days ago I decided to take a break from the endless work and projects I seem to be surrounded by.Someone told me about a little beach roughly an hour from here and I decided to just go and see.Here on the prairies it is pretty hard to come by such a place but having lived by the sea I have missed it so entirely being landlocked.So I took a chance thinking it would not be so great as we have a similar place nearby ..like 5 minutes and its ok but still not like the coast.
I was pleasantly surprised though that there was real sand and Though I had not planned on swimming I could not resist after just dipping my feet in and It called to me so I plunged in and was met with that healing power of water.The waves,the colors and the sound of their gentle crash along the shoreline..the subtle shape of the rocky mountains in the distance made me feel like I was on the Canadian west coast..not exactly but enough my imagination and memories transported me the rest of the way.I swam out looking across the water and the mountains in the distance dreaming of swimming with my horses in there.The water was cool but not cold and it was very healing for me.Perhaps because I am a water sign and feel closest to this element and because water is representative of emotions and I am sensitive to this kind of energy but it was very restorative and with all these planets in retrograde and now we are entering eclipse season this was good medicine. <3 I have been shaken off my game a lot lately with feelings of overwhelm and thinking I will never finish what I have set out to create.I have been hit with many waves of sadness and have been very emotional and sad for mankind.I have been really working to return to my center and have had days where I just sit with my horses instead of do anything else because I am off my emotional game and I don't want to bring that into training. Connecting back into the spirit of water and with the spirit of the ocean has really brought me back.For anyone passing through similar experiences know that this is a time energetically speaking where we are being pushed to confront ourselves .All that we have been avoiding looking at and all that we have been running from.We are being pushed to move through it now as we need to put down what we have been carrying to move forward.So do what you need to do to get back to your home frequency as many times as you need to ..always finding your way back to that stillness within yourself <3 Today I am reflecting on the life giving energy of rain,Connecting to the nurturing Element of water. Last summer we were so dry here that wildfires were rampant throughout the area and in many areas of the united states. Anyone who has a farm or any kind of livestock can relate to the pure stress and fear that is associated when living so close to out of control fire. People fear it anyway but having livestock,cats,dogs ,chickens birds ect raises that fear as there is pending concern of evacuation.Even with a plan its my worst nightmare and I have been trying to make peace with fire for most of my life. I was burned badly as a child and am still working through fear around that.So having this rain come is so welcome and I am feeling so much gratitude <3 Rain is water and water is life.It's so nurturing and replenishing.It washes away the dust and purifies and is symbolic of so much that is good.Water to me is so healing and comforting. I spent last week battling a crazy cold and this week have been on the tail end of recovery.I don't often get sick so I realize my immune system must have been down due to me trying to do way too much.In this realization I was sure to take the time I needed for self care and realize I am feeling kind of empty. So this week I am doing things to rest my body and nurture my spirit as best I can with a busy life. Things will shift gears again soon when soccer season ends and the kids are off school for the summer and it will slow down a little but right now things are crazy and chaotic.Still I recognize I need self care so I am taking it. My grass is not getting cut and there is much to be done around the farm,I have not been with the horses except to feed because I need the rest. I am spending time indoors listening to healing music and spending time sleeping and sitting in the quiet space.Listening to the sounds of birds and watching the rain fall.I am writing and drinking mint tea,I had a massage and am taking the time I need.With the rain coming in today I am feeling comfort and cozy energy like being in the womb of an ancient tree..A safe and sacred space to heal and replenish.These are the days I want to sit by a warm crackling fire wrapped in a warm quilt.Listening and watching the rain out my window and smelling the fresh scent in the air. The soft steady pulse of the healing energy that is the rain outside is doing so much to heal me and fill me up so when I am ready I will be back in action and ready to once again create and help others. I am a lover of rain and it reminds me of when I lived on Vancouver Island.A place I still feel exists inside of me wherever I go.I carry that energy. When it rains soft and steady as it is now.I feel myself there.I feel the wildness and the freedom of it.I feel the raw power and energy of the ocean,I can smell the earthy aromatic scent of the towering ceders and feel the lush and abundant life of the coastal rainforest.I feel the eagle soaring overhead ,seeing all and giving away nothing ,except to those who seek her knowledge,I feel the mountain lion as she moves her powerful body through the dense underbrush of the forest.The humpback whales calling their soothing songs.I can live there in this time healing my body and coming back into my home frequency.<3 This is a good place.A sacred space I carry within my soul. The rain had made this prairie landscape so lush and green and life is happening all around me.<3 I feel the same lush aliveness of life right here on this thirsty prairie soil ,which is now so quenched and feels renewed and replenished .This is the mirror of how I am feeling as a witness to this healing water filling the needs of the land.I am so grateful and at peace.<3 Feel and connect with the healing power of Mother Nature,Let Gaia and the elements of life nurture and replenish your soul. |
AuthorPaola Anderson Categories |