For the first time in a very long time I stood in my herd this week feeling totally connected to them and a part of them.I have been on quite a journey these past 9 years of getting into Morgan horses.It was really quite unintentional as I had no plans to ever breed them. I began at this property with a house and some dirt and with some very wild unhandled yearlings as projects..an old Quarter horse who had just had enough of traditional ways and a Morgan Stallion ..my first Morgan. It all turned out to be a whirlwind and it took many twists and turns.These first Equine teachers opened me to try new ways of doing things with horses.I had worked with them before but not since I was young.It came back pretty well and I began with confidence. I learned to clicker train,I began to ride in rope halters and leave bits behind as the horses showed me the way.The old Quarter horse hated the bit so I decided we did not need it...she was right and I did things differently. This worked well for us and things were moving along nicely. At some point along this journey though I began to listen to those outside I let others opinions and beliefs cloud my own and I began to question myself.I did that for a long time and went on a quest to be better according to what others consider a good horseman to be..in the process I lost and gave up parts of myself and I struggled to get them back.
Last year at the Lions gate portal I was very emotional and coming into eclipse season I confess I was feeling very unworthy of my herd and felt I was in over my head..too much to do at the farm and no time and I felt I wasn't enough. :( I had a lot to work through around that and all the things that had happened on this journey for me had acted as triggers to help me overcome this core wound from childhood.It was not easy at the time but having the right tools to work through it and the awareness to do it helped immensely. After my Stallion Artistry passed away last November I broke open and had a hard time believing it would ever get better and yet here I am just past the lionsgate portal and coming into eclipse season and I am feeling confident and sure.I no longer care what other opinions are of me and my horses.I don't do this for them.I raise them for me,for the love and passion of doing it.I don't train professionally and have no need for agendas I do it because I love it.I make a lot of mistakes,I will be learning for the rest of my life.Its a process just like healing. No matter how good we are there is always another level.So for me rusing is a moot point.No need to rush along.I have no interest in showing and competing only in quiet centered connection.I seek to master the art of being both soft and strong ,I seek to master myself.Though I use that term loosely since we never quite reach the end .I seek to lead them with a quiet yet commanding presence and find that partnership that first connected me to these amazing creature. The herd really held space for me this whole time ,while I passed my way through this journey.I ended up buying a little filly called Echo who was a catalyst to me coming home..She helped me to heal from the loss of my heart horse and held space for me to heal all my connections to myself and my herd. I am finding myself very excited to get out with them I am joyful when we play together and so far very successful as I believe I am back in alignment with them and with myself.I did alright before but being aligned to your path and purpose allows everything to flow so much more with ease and grace. My herd dynamics are always shifting as some horses move on and some stay for a lifetime.Some have been lost and there are others who have yet to come. Whether they are just passing through or here for the long haul does not matter.They are are valuable to me.They are teacher,healers,friend and I know I am in the right space ..They are talking to me now in soft knickers are we are aware of each other on a whole new level.Since my partners crash I have not ridden and I have mostly just sat with them while I heal and while I catch up on farm maintenance and projects but now as I begin the journey back to the saddle I feel much freer and more aligned than ever.I am moving and playing with them by feel and living back in my heart.I am just playing and we will see what happens.I am living organically and being like water.Soft ,flexible and following the feel of all I do.Although I still have a long road ahead to reach my goals I am in a much better place and I feel things will move more unrestricted now then they ever have.I feel like this is what I was always meant to be..Not the kind of horsewoman that others expect but something that is unique unto me and my horses. Connection and partnership is all I need to move now and I have that. I always did but I just needed to recognize the depth of what that was really worth and now I really do.Recognize the truth within yourself and see the value of it.We all have something that is unique unto ourselves. When we recognize our own value and really feel it.We can live authentically with confidence,We are fully ourselves and we can grow in true alignment to who we truly are.This is your life no one else's and you get to decide what matters. At this time I am a willow tree I am rooted but I flow.I feel best when I am with my herd and in nature and nature has noticed me back. It from this place of inner stillness I am moving on to new adventures with my herd behind me supporting this path. I have surrendered any expectation and now am open to wherever it takes me.
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A few days ago I decided to take a break from the endless work and projects I seem to be surrounded by.Someone told me about a little beach roughly an hour from here and I decided to just go and see.Here on the prairies it is pretty hard to come by such a place but having lived by the sea I have missed it so entirely being landlocked.So I took a chance thinking it would not be so great as we have a similar place nearby ..like 5 minutes and its ok but still not like the coast.
I was pleasantly surprised though that there was real sand and Though I had not planned on swimming I could not resist after just dipping my feet in and It called to me so I plunged in and was met with that healing power of water.The waves,the colors and the sound of their gentle crash along the shoreline..the subtle shape of the rocky mountains in the distance made me feel like I was on the Canadian west coast..not exactly but enough my imagination and memories transported me the rest of the way.I swam out looking across the water and the mountains in the distance dreaming of swimming with my horses in there.The water was cool but not cold and it was very healing for me.Perhaps because I am a water sign and feel closest to this element and because water is representative of emotions and I am sensitive to this kind of energy but it was very restorative and with all these planets in retrograde and now we are entering eclipse season this was good medicine. <3 I have been shaken off my game a lot lately with feelings of overwhelm and thinking I will never finish what I have set out to create.I have been hit with many waves of sadness and have been very emotional and sad for mankind.I have been really working to return to my center and have had days where I just sit with my horses instead of do anything else because I am off my emotional game and I don't want to bring that into training. Connecting back into the spirit of water and with the spirit of the ocean has really brought me back.For anyone passing through similar experiences know that this is a time energetically speaking where we are being pushed to confront ourselves .All that we have been avoiding looking at and all that we have been running from.We are being pushed to move through it now as we need to put down what we have been carrying to move forward.So do what you need to do to get back to your home frequency as many times as you need to ..always finding your way back to that stillness within yourself <3 |
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